Hillbilly & Hillbobby: (similar in size and height --coming out from the trees, waving arms, and shooting into the air) Whoa! Stop!

Conductor: What's the matter with you two hillbillies?

Hillbilly: You can't go cross that bridge.

Conductor: Why not?

Hillbilly: 'Cuz it's all warshed up.

Conductor: All washed up? It was fine when we crossed it just a little bit ago. And we haven't had any rain since then...

Hillbilly: Yeah, but that was afore we -

Conductor: (interrupting) Say, you aren't trying to hold up my wagon, now are you?

Hillbilly: Hold up yer wagon?

Hillbobby: Say Mister - we couldn't hold up yer wagon...

Conductor: (suspicious) You couldn't, huh?

(Hillbilly & Hillbobby both shake heads)

Hillbobby: Nah, we couldn't hold up yer wagon. Why don't you know you got nigh unto fifty people on yer wagon?

Hillbilly: (whispering to Hillbobby) Maybe they're stowaways...

Hillbobby: Why even John Bunyan couldn't lift that wagon.

Conductor: Uh - don't you mean PAUL Bunyan?

Hillbilly: I don't think the two of 'em together could lift it, Mister.

Conductor: No, I mean you don't be planning on robbing us?

Hillbobby: Naw, we'd never do that.

Hillbilly: Tain't right. (shakes head)

Hillbobby: But we saw a robbery once.

Conductor: You did?

Hillbobby: Someone once stole our Pa's pickup.

Hillbilly: Yeah, it was amazing.

Conductor: Why's that?

Hillbilly: This fellar jumped in it, and took off doing about seventy.

Conductor: What's so amazing about that?

Hillbilly: Why, Pa never could get it to do more than forty!!

Conductor: So, did you recognize the guy who stole your dad's pickup?

Hillbilly: Nope, we never seen him before -- But we quick got the license number wrote down.

Conductor: (If audience doesn't catch on, add: From your dad's pickup? -OR- And they think you hillbillies aren't too bright!)

Conductor: So, if you're not planning on holding us up, what are you doin' with that gun?

Hillbobby: We just shot a buffalo while we were waiting for the...

Conductor: You what?

Hillbobby: We just shot a buffalo.

Conductor: (concerned) You're sure you don't mean STEER?

Hillbobby: No, siree. I SHOT 'em. You can't STEER one 'em buffalo. (to Hillbilly) Boy, he don't know much about buffalo, do he?

Hillbilly: He's probably just one of them city slickers... I'd like to see him try to steer one of them buffalo.

Hillbobby: Might be dangerous - he'd prob'ly try and honk the horns, too!

Conductor: Say, you two sure look a lot alike. You don't happen to be twins, do you?

Hillbilly & Hillbobby: (shaking heads) Nope. Huh-uh.

Conductor: Are you brothers?

Hillbilly & Hillbobby: (nodding heads) Yep. Uh-huh.

Conductor: But you're not twins?

Hillbilly & Hillbobby: Nope.

Hillbilly: Ma says we're triplets.

Conductor: Triplets?

(Hillbilly acts as if he's forgotten his line, and Hillbobby looks at him expectantly. He takes off his hat, and looks inside as if reading a script.)

Hillbilly: Uh, Yep. (nods head)

Conductor: You have another brother then?

Hillbilly: (pauses, then looks in hat again) Nope.

Conductor: Then how can you be triplets?

Hillbobby: Oh, Ma never could count very well. Ya know - people is always makin' fun of us hillbillies...

Conductor: Oh, is that so?

Hillbobby: Yeah, some of them city slickers just don't treat us too nice. Some of 'em even acts as if we ain't very bright... There ought to be a law that we get more respect!

Conductor: Then what do you think about the President's Civil Rights Bill?

Hillbilly: Civil Rights Bill?

Hillbobby: Well, I reckon ---if he owes it, he ought t' pay it!

Conductor: No, I mean President Bush's new initiative-

Hillbilly: (interrupting) President BUSH? (to Hillbobby) He thinks Bush is still President.

Conductor: Well, he is. The presidential election is still ----.

Hillbobby: No, mister. Somebody else is president now...

Hillbilly: (thinking) Yeah, you know - that fellar - from... where's he from, Hillbobby?

Hillbobby: I can't think of the place...

Hillbilly: Small Stone! That's it!

Conductor: Small Stone? I've never heard of it.

Hillbobby: I think you mean Little Rock....

Conductor: Do you mean Bill Clinton?

Hillbilly: Yeah, that's the fellar's name. Bush ain't President no more. Bill Clinton is.

Hillbobby: And some people think us hillbillies don't get out much!

Hillbilly: Well, what do you think, Hillbobby?

Hillbobby: Why, if I said what I told you everything I thought - I'd be speechless.

Hillbilly: I mean about the bridge. Do you think it's ok for them to go on yet....

Conductor: But what about the bridge?

Hillbobby: It should be dry by now.

Conductor: Dry? I thought you said it was all washed up.

Hillbilly: (pulling a dirty rag out of his back pocket) We did warsh it all up, just like Pa told us to, but it should be dry by now.

Hillbobby: Try not to get too much dust on it.

Hillbilly & Hillbobby: (waving) So long. See ya later. Gotta find that buffalo, etc.

********************************************************

Terms of Use

This script may be used without royalties ONLY for productions with free admission AND IF you notify us of your performance. Contact us for royalty rates if admission is charged. Any changes to the script must be preapproved. If you have a printed program or bulletin, credit should be given to Acts One for the use of the script, including the website address.